Its been just over a fortnight (when did we start saying biweekly?) since I put up my last post.
I seriously didn’t have any idea it would generate such a positive response- I just got shook up be a bad dream, which opened up a few anxieties I wanted to get off my chest. That in itself was a good exorcism of those personal demons.
In my last post, I wrote about courage being essential about what makes a “man”. By this I don’t mean fearlessness, that is something that (realistically) doesn’t exist. I mean the courage to stand up and do what is right, the courage to actually dare to make our dreams a reality, the courage to stand by one’s beliefs, the courage to go forward instead of looking back.
Last time, I spoke about my feelings on how I perceive I have failed to utilise my potential, something I have decided to face and take on.
In the past two weeks I have made progress in writing my book (just about finished the last chapter, then I need to fully rewrite the conclusion, leave it a week and check for spelling errors and bad grammar as well as correcting sentences that don’t make sense), I have also been rehearsing the part of St. George for a traditional Mummers Play (being performed in Lady Bay and Beeston on the Solstice day! And I’m the only Pagan in the group…). Tonight, I will be having my first rehearsal for an acting project created by a friend of mine. The idea being that once its filmed, he shall upload it onto YouTube and see how it turns out. I’m a little daunted by this, its the first straight acting piece I’ll be doing since 2007, after I sacrificed that world for a business venture and my marriage (courage was essential for both those adventures, the first evolved into something else and the latter is ongoing). After a lot of soul searching and stopping from running away from myself, it turns out my performing side was still there all along and will always be a part of me. It just that now I’m no longer denying it and am seeking to work with it once again.
On the OBOD Bardic course, we are encouraged to find our creative and expressive side. I knew of mine all along, I just lied to myself saying that part of me was over. What a fool I was!
Embracing the fire within has taught me that my Bardic self is my true self, something I only diluted with Morris Dancing alone. Having the opportunities presented to me this year to pick up the rest of my performing side has taken the courage to do that what my spirit has been crying out for.
I have no idea where this project I’ll be rehearsing for is going to go, or even if it will be a success. The important thing is I am stepping forward to do where I feel my potential lies.
I came upon the gorge that had ripped open the land like a wound. Instead of anything like blood escaping or bone and muscle being revealed, this wound was dark, sucking in any hope and life into its depths. Looking around the land that was once whole and complete, the gorge stretched on for miles around, as far as the eye could see. On the other side were pear trees, I could only just make out their vibrant green leaves and golden fruits. The rest of that land was hidden by a fog, the hidden unknown of the future.
I spent years looking for a way round, there was none. I even spent those years thinking I was content with staying on this side, where I know the things I do and am familiar with all on this half of the gorge. And yet. Yet… the calling from the other half was there, I tried to ignore it, hell even told myself I didn’t need to listen to it.
Then one day, I spied the pears of those trees and became hungry. I knew that whatever lies in that fog is where I needed to go. So I walked back towards the land I already knew, heading toward the trees and rocks I knew all the names of, and then I stopped. I turned to face the gorge and breathed deeply, every intake as though they were my last. So… I ran. Running toward the gorge, the fire blazed within my chest, my breath as quick as I could take it, the strength in my legs burning as I headed closer and closer to the gaping precipice until my right foot touched its lip at which point I yelled only one thing as I leapt into the air above the darkness: “Geronimo!”