When the flame burns out….

Hey, it’s been a while.  

Following one’s dreams was never going to be easy.  As I’m sure I’ve mentioned before many moons ago that when I reconnected with the element of fire, I discovered my Bardic Self as being an actor.  (Actually, count that as rediscovered, because we often know the answers we are looking for, we just seek the validation.  And it turned out that even though I knew the answer, I was denying myself and was unhappy because of such). 

I’ve been quiet on WordPress because my attentions have been elsewhere, my energies have been spent and I burned myself out.  The way I’ve been living my life, it was only a matter of time.  I’ve been non-stop for a year and my body can’t cope anymore.  Even my spirit is flagging, and that I know, is not a good thing. 

The problem is, I’ve taken too much on.  Last year I did two plays back to back, I finished one play one week, I finished the second the week after. 

 Then 6 weeks later did another show.  This year, I’ve been rehearsing two more performances at the same and this is whilst doing my full time day job too.  So my body stopped.  I developed an infection on my face that had taken 3-4 weeks of antibiotics, as well as two sets of cold sores, all of which are now gone.  

 This weekend just gone saw the performance of my first musical.  I’d had the good sense to take the week off and a couple of days after too.  I’m so glad I did!  “Ooh, a week off!” Says I.  ” Time to get back exercising during the mornings and then off to rehearsals and shows in the evenings!” I told myself.  My body had other ways of telling me this wasn’t going to happen….

It needed more than 8 hours sleep just to feel rested, then when I went running, it decided my knees and ankles were going to be 90 years old, that and even though I had sleep, I felt I had no energy.  Even lifting my weights felt a chore, so I got the idea: I stopped. 

Me and Artemis have discussed many times about the amount of things I do.  I don’t do time off well, I feel like nothing is being done or accomplished.  Also, when we do talk about it, I’m always like “I’m almost there, then I can rest…..” It’s sort of my mantra.  It wasn’t until I was in conversation with Devi (she’s my 20 seconds of insane courage and I haven’t scared her away yet) and she asked if I was feeling run down, I realised I was.  Pointing out that she didn’t want to sound like my mother, Devi expressed her concern I was taking on too much and recommended I take some serious time off for just me.  No working to schedules , no tasking, no box ticking when not working.  Oh, and to go and spend my time out doors.  And she’s absolutely right! 

I haven’t done this yet, last week was all about the musical I was doing, but I did get a full night’s sleep every night.  When I wasn’t rehearsing or performing, I rested and if it’s one thing I learned, it’s that I need to stop.  

Stop acting? No, stop taking on so many projects that I end up knackering myself out.  I need to focus my energy so when I do have a project, I can concentrate on that one project only.  And when I don’t have a project, not to think of it as not doing anything- take the time I need to recuperate. 

What good is it to keep the flame going if I can’t even keep the embers alight? And what’s the point of pursuing my acting if I’ve spread myself too thin?