Tag Archives: loss

Here be Dragons…

Earth Dragon, art by Bill Worthington.

Ah, 2016, I’ve been expecting you.

With all the strong winds we had this winter, I got the feeling that the winds of change had already arrived; eagerly pushing 2015 out of the way as if 2016 couldn’t wait to get here. 

2015 has been a busy year for me.  I got moved store (again) and have even taken steps to help me back on the road of acting.

Comparing to last year’s reading, how did things play out?

Venom: I lost my cat, Loki.  She was my companion, my little girl and my pain in the arse all at once. I had her put down after she was attacked by a Fox as her chances of survival were extremely slim.  Not a day goes by without me thinking of her. 

I broke the heart of my friend and fellow Grove mate, River.  I thought I was ready for a new relationship and after three months, realised I wasn’t.  So I ended it and hurt her badly.  Looking back on it, I see now that was what’s called a ‘rebound’.  We have spoken since and says she has forgiven me.  I wouldn’t say we are the friends we used to be, but at least we are civil now. 
  The venom was my broken heart and the lesson of Adder reversed is to use the poison that harms into one that cures.  Loki’s death reminded me of the savage side of Nature, it was a serious wound that was brought through the cycle of survival.  I think it would have been worse if I found her after getting run over by a car.
  As terrible as breaking up with River was, things happened in motion to change her life for the better, from what she told me, she has discovered Buddhism which has taught her to let go of the past and embrace the future. 
  I learned a lot about myself from this experience and now know who I am, as well as who I don’t want to be.

Honey: The card of Bee represents community, celebration and organisation.  2015 was a very social year for me, I am blessed with many friends wether it is my Grove, my housemate, my workmates, both my social and spiritual circles.  I even left Pagan Pride in an official capacity, in a good place. 
  With the Am Dram group, I bonded really well with my fellow cast and crew in the One-Acts of that summer.  I spent NYE with Cludgie’s family and mutual friends. It was Cludgie who gave me the final push to go for the role I auditioned for and got.  The director had previously asked if I’d be interested in reading for it and I thought of every reason not to.  I’m glad Cludgie talked me round.
Three major creative things happened this year too: me, Strider and Dumbledore got together and formed our storytelling group “Tales From the Fireside”, a separate venture from our Grove that was described by one event organiser as “I knew you’d be good, I didn’t expect you to be awesome”.
  The other was joining the Actors Workshop here in Notts.  Making some good friends and progress in my performing skills.
  And filming the Promo of Gallows Bait in Sherwood Forest, dressed as a proper highwayman for two days!

2015 was for me a year of discovery, having courage enough to do what it is I want to actually do (and sowing the seeds for it to happen) and being surrounded by wonderful people, old and new.  I also did a lot of guest speaking this year, touching on new subjects for me as well as revisiting old ones.

Dragons: I was quite hungover on New Year’s Day when I drew the card for 2016 and as soon as I saw what my focus for this year was, I said in my best George Takei voice: ‘Ohhh Myyyyyyy’ Earth Dragon or ‘Draig-Talamh’ is the card of accessing your inner potential, as well as recognising the potential in others. 
Here’s hoping 2016 will be a very productive year!


Remembering the dead

Here in Great Britain, we pay our respects to the dead during this month.  Halloween passed, and with it, Samhain.  Bonfire Night passed, the celebration that Guy Fawkes failed in his mission to destroy the houses of parliament, which paradoxically has kind of immortalised old Guido.
  Remembrance Sunday has passed and today, on the 11th November, a minute’s silence shall be given for those whose lives were lost in the Great War, the Second World War and any other that the Poppy has come to represent.  I remember one man telling me he didn’t buy a poppy because none of his family fell in either war.  Neither did mine, but I still buy one for those who did fall, the ones who didn’t make it, the ones who didn’t have a choice.  I wear it for those who still go to war, and lose their lives.  In this disposable, target driven world, it is more important to remember the dead more than ever.

My thoughts then turn to the Samhain ceremony with the Grove and I announced I wanted to honour my little Loki.  I wasn’t prepared for the wound to open up again, or the tears streaming down my face as the rest of the ceremony continued.


I’ll never forget that morning earlier on this year:

I found her in the dark, a head yelling it’s head off in a Bush.  “What are you doing there?” I called, beckoning her to come.  She wouldn’t, she just sat there crying.  I thought she got herself stuck (she was very fluffy) and lifted her out of the spiky bushes.  It wasn’t until the streetlight hit I saw blood and the flesh of her right thigh torn clean off, her leg muscle glistened.  I ran inside and put her in the bathtub.
Me and Artemis tried to sooth her as we contacted the emergency vet. 

I remember telling the Taxi driver to “Just Drive!” when he balked about having an animal not in a carry case (she was wrapped in a towel).

It turned out the leg was the easy part.  The vet asked if I knew what got her, were there any dogs in the area (no, I didn’t, it must have happened when I was in the shower and getting ready for work.  The dogs where I live are used to the cats in the area and are all kept on leads, neither me nor Artemis even heard anything!)?
The hard part was the hole in her stomach caused by another animal.  And here came the choice:

An operation could be performed, but due to Loki’s size (she was tiny for an adult cat) there was a slim chance of survival.  If the operation didn’t kill her, most likely the infection from the bite would.  Or I could have her put down.  She was in a bad way.

The vet gave me the longest minutes of my life.  The choice was made and I was with her until the end.  She was still crying even under painkillers, I stroked her head behind her ears, telling her how brave she was and that I loved her.  And that was it, she was gone…

Artemis was with me the whole time and told me I wasn’t going to work that day.  She was right.  I spent the day, when not crying my head off,  cleaning up the bath, disposing of her things and talking with Pipes.  Loki was Pipes’ idea and was supposed to be her cat.  Turned out Loki was a Daddy’s Girl.
My already fragile heart which I had locked away had shattered.  My gorgeous girl was gone.

I performed my first hex that day.  Daylight had arrived and as I put her things in the wheelie-bin I found the trail of her fur and blood.  I remember seeing the pool of red where she must have been attacked.  I remember seeing the fur of something else…. I sniffed it and knew that scent well.  I recognised it from the tails used for my morris dancing hat: Fox.
A hunter friend of a friend even confirmed it as I gave him the sample.  I took my anger and pain and slammed it into the earth.  Whether the creature died of a heart attack, I’ll never know.

Although I find it ironic that Fox was the most recent animal spirit to show up in an animal guide exercise.


Loki was a great companion and friend, even if she was a pain in the arse and liked waking me up an hour before my alarm or constantly being on the wrong side of the door. She slept on my bed in the old house and only sometimes in my present one.  But when she was allowed, we’d perform the same ritual: I’d moisturise (eczema, my dears) and she’d clean herself.  Then I’d lie on my back as she curled into my left arm.
I was glad we performed that for the last time on the night before the horror of that day.

I miss her very much and she touched everyone whoever met her.

Here’s to you, Kitten.image